My Birthday

Dear Hope,

Good afternoon! It’s been a week since my birthday (Nov. 4th). I use to be obnoxious with my birthday; telling people it was my birthday month, week, etc. However, this year was different. I wasn’t excited. In a way it made me sad because that’s who I am. People know I love my birthday. I don’t do it so be self-centered but it’s just a fun day for me. It’s kinda my thing, ya know. Perhaps part of it was because I was traveling for work. Your Dad was also traveling so I didn’t even get to see him that day. I worked from home and was leaving for Maryland. However, I think most of reason was you. I imagined you would be here for my birthday. Or, if you were late, you could have been born on my birthday. I feel like I was selfish before. I didn’t want you to be born on certain days (Halloween, my birthday) but looking back, I just wish you were born in general. I guess I just pictured my birthday being different this year.

I went to my second therapy session. I think it’s going to help. She is an outsider looking in. She is able to give advice without having an attachment to me. She helped me see it’s OK to get upset in front of people, especially my family. I try to protect them by not getting upset. I don’t want to make them upset because they see me upset. At the same time, they are trying to protect me from the pain. She also mentioned if you were upset, would I want you to cry in front of me? Of course! I would want to be there for you. That’s how I need to see my family. They want me to show emotion so they can help me. I am not saying I don’t mention you, but I try to hold back my tears.

Other than that, I’ve had good and bad hours. Sometimes I don’t say good and bad days because you never know. There are times when I am fine all day until I get home. Other times, I am sad in the morning but as the day goes on, I get less sad.

Thanks for sending me signs the last couple of weeks. At first I wondered why you didn’t visit but now it’s becoming clearer. Sometimes I just have to put two and two together. The praying mantises are still at the door. Last week while at the conference, when we got there, the ballroom was called Cherry Blossom. Then, just yesterday, people were speaking Spanish to one another in line and said “cherry blossom” in English and then went right back to speaking Spanish. Sometimes your Dad says I can’t catch a break but when things like that happen, it makes me smile. It’s not a bad reminder, it’s just signs your with me.

Until next time,
Mom

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