If I wrote to you on Tuesday, my post would be totally different. I would say how I had such a good day. While I thought about you, I didn’t get upset; it was almost like a normal day. I would say how I told the therapist this and she was happy I was having a good day. We talked about the grieving process and how there really isn’t a cycle and at any time I can jump from one emotion to the next. However, when I do, the time between the emotions may get smaller. I’ll always grieve you but I’ll have tools to help me get to the next emotion. I would also mention how we talked about Church. I grew up going to church every Sunday and while I haven’t been consistent, I wanted that for you. I wanted to take you there every Sunday like I did with my family. However, that is easier said than done. After I started College, I really didn’t go anymore. I became one of those people who only went on holidays; I still am. However, I didn’t want that for you. I wanted to take you. I am going to try and go this week.
My post would be all positive but unfortunately, I didn’t write to you Tuesday. I am writing to you today and I am angry. I am angry for this happening. Why did it happen to us? There are plenty of people who mistreat their pregnancy and get to take home a baby. Why didn’t I get to take you home? Every day we are faced with people announcing their pregnancies to having babies to seeing people out with a baby to watching commercials with babies in it. We can’t seem to get away from it. It feels like it’s being thrown in our faces that we don’t have you. Yesterday someone who used to work at my job (before I started) came to our office to visit with her new baby. I understand she doesn’t know but everyone at work knows what happened yet they stood outside my cube for almost two hours fussing over the baby. Couldn’t they have went into someone’s office or moved down the hall a little? I had to sit here and hear about how the baby sleeps and about buying a new stroller. Those are all things we were robbed of. It made me angry and I think that is why I am still angry today.
Maybe I needed this. I’ve tried so hard to have good days but it was time to have a bad one.